fuck the catch up.

i just really want to write about how extremely happy i am right now. i am currently sitting in the kitchen of an alumni hall dorm at the fashion institute of technology in new york city. never NEVER would i have thought i'd be here. i used to think that huge good things like getting accepted to my dream college never happened to me, but apprently i was wrong. i really feel that i need to sit down and think and for the past summer i really havent been able to completey soak everything in. from the beginning of june to now everything is one HUGE blur. i think i was so rushed into things, for god sakes i moved 3 days after graduation i mean honestly. but here i am living my dream. im interning, attending FIT, working fashion week. i have amazing friends, amazing roomates, an breathetaking dorm. there really is nothing better right now. i just need to soak it in. so much has happened in such a short time. i remeber just starting my FIT application and finishing it and the morning of my portfolio review. everything went so fast! but in all honestly i really dont miss anything from high school its obvious to me, my family, my friends and to everyone that knew me that high school wasnt the place for me espically a long island high school. long island is great, please do NOT get me wrong but its just not a place i could see my self ever going back to. many people have their hometown as their safety nets or as a place you could always go back to, but i truly feel that since i have been old enough to come to the city by my self that new york city is my safety net. my huge safety net that has provided endless entertainment for the past 5 years. even as a kid i would love when we would take trips into the city. i have no idea how people live with out coming here. its the place where dreams are created but hardly ever fufilled. but not in my case. im gonna be big. and i know it. its just in me. even random people off the street tell me i'll be famous. i need to be famous. im an attention whore but in the best possible way. i just want to be a house hold name. so when someone thinks of marc sebastian they think of me and how much they love my attire, my attitude, my way of life. i want to give back. i WILL give back. i just need to get my self out there as fast as possible. i wish i was challenged more. i havent been truly challenged in a while. and not that thats a horrible thing but theres those kind of challeneges that make you wake up in the morning and say, i need to do this and i cant wait for the after math. i need to be challenged on a daily basis or i loose interest. i mean if everything is handed to you then what is the fun of going to get it. of figuring out the riddles, the problems or the consqiquences you need to have this as a life skill. im totally babbling on right now but its totally not my fault that music makes me want to write. well i think i'll end here. i'll be back.

i give up. you win life. my overly stressed lifeless always tired neverr stopping always liking someone body you win. chris you win. i cant take this anymore. i want to give up and go to suffolk. i cant deal with knowing that im suppsoed ot be doing something. stop please just stop give me a break let me come home and sleep just for oneday with out having guilt int he back of my mind. i just sketched two designs while whating ugly betty please just leave me alone you stupid lets not be apathetic and over dramatic and the other word i cant think of mind. god im so messed up. i want peace in my fucking head. i want to be able to do what i love with out worrying about being accepted. i want to be able to liek chris and have him like me back. im done i give up. its me and fashion. thats it. fuck him fuck her fucke veyrthing.

two posts today i know get over it.
i just want to be at marc jacobs level of sucess int he design industry. i really hope i get into f.i.t i will be crushed if i dont. well i should start sketching but i doubt i will.

Uh oh the chris alert is going off once more. I like him again.

So tommorow I'm going to sit down and plan out everything for college. The list of colleges I want to Aply to the list of requiremtns aI'm going to cllean out my studio and my room and get everything organized so hopefully it will help. im getting a little more inspirations so after all of that i have like 2 or 3 garments in my mind. i cant wait to start making them.

So tired. I took a nap today eyt i cant wait to go back to sleep. went to college night tonight. looked at alot of colleges. buffalo onetana fidm art institue.

if i could tell yuo one thing right now ti would be

i like you so much that it scares me. i know that you say that you like me because your scared to break my heart again. dont do it i need to get over you right now. im tired of it. i have more important thingsd to do then worry about you. your the perfect guy for me and you know it and you dont do anything about it. we are exactly alike and i just dont know what to do anymore.

commence sleeping now.

first day of fd.i.t was exciting and long.
firs class is kind of boring and really hard. the teachers a cynial old lady and shes not personable. and i hate that. i was so excitec cause i thought i had this cute kid in my class but then he liek went away so i dont know what happened but he was so cute <3. hannah from f.i.t fall is there with me

break was okay i just bought supplies saw brianna and jodi love them hung with j dog

second class is pretty amazing. i thought ti would be gay but im findind gmy self like looking foward to drawing live models. lol i put on heels and modelled for the class today and and i ahve a picture hanging on the wall of me in heels and some girl drew it its basically amazing in in love.

im also inlove with this girl anna honestlyu shes so ncie shes trying to help me with my protfolio and i basically am in love with ehr times a 100000000

Got my new blackberry. Its nice but it was giving me so much stress. Everything does lately whats the point. F.I.T starts saturday. i cant wait to be back in the city. i need mas amounts of sleep and i forgot to sketch today fuck fuck fuck

Senior year stress is the most I have ever been in acqauntince with. College apps, Portoflio's, Garments, sewing, sketching, sleeping, math b basically just kill me now. Its os immensley overwhelming I feel liek crawling into a little ball some times and just sleeping for hours. Theres a good chance I have mono. I really hope I dont it'll just be another thing to addd onto the ever growing list of stress. I need to start sketching everyday but I cant because I get so tired. Being in Art club, newspaper, voulnteer club, and sewing club really isnt helping. more stresssssss. I have no clue what the fuck is going on in Math. This year is going to be so hectic until around March. I really hope I get accepted. I still dont know if i truly want to be a designer. I really do want it so badly but my body can not find inspiration. But when I doget that inspiration i get really happy and i get stop going and going. maybe being a fahsion designer is all about self doubt? mixed with depression and caffiene I think we have marc jacobs. I just want to be able to draw amazingly. I can sew but this no drawing thing is killing me. I want ot get into f.i.t so badly. i do want it. itll give me the confidence to be like, well if you were a good designer marc whyd you get accepted here. fashion is like an escape. i love the new designs the colors the modles the lines paris and new york. well i think im going to go to sleep its 11 right now and i already took a 3 hour nap today. yeap theres the mono self doubt and depression speaking. senior year i really dont like you.

Sometimes, just sometimes I get into these werid mood feelings. Like before I was looking at this post card

and for some reason It made me think of New York City and Christmas. Christmas in new York city can only be felt if your there. The movies the storys the times can never be told the right way unles syouve actully seen the amazing lights or have gone to see the tree. I rember when my dad used to take me to go see the tree. We would alwasys go shopping and go to FAO sharwtz. I like getting into these moods btu sometimes itll be a bad one and those are the worst. I really am so complicated. I need somone I can tell everything to. I really dont want to be lazy anymore I really honest to god dont but its so hard. I dont want to come home everyda and take a nap. I want to start on my portfolio. I want to get into F.I.t I want to get that big letter in the mail that says I got accepted into F.I.T. I want to live in New York City. I cant wait to move there when I'm older. I absoulty love it. thanks for listening